Whenever my 1-year-old son, Luke, is near rocks, he likes to shovel them into his
mouth. And when he sees our cat, he likes to lunge, even though the cat likes to
swipe and hiss.
These kinds of moments make up any given day, and figuring out how to shield my
son from harm without breaking his spirit usually leaves me totally confused. In
my humble experience, getting a toddler to stop eating rocks is easier said than
done.
At this tender age, traditional discipline, such as time-out, doesn't work. But
what does, and at what age is it appropriate to try which tactics? As you may have
guessed, it's as necessary for parents to learn how to discipline properly as it
is for children to learn that some behaviors are unsafe or just socially inappropriate.
Ultimately, it's a long process, but when it's done well, it will be a positive
experience that will help your child.
The Birth of Discipline
Setting limits, reinforcing good behavior, and discouraging less-desirable behavior
can start when your child is a young baby, according to experts. "There are things
that even young babies have to learn not to do, such as pulling your hair," says
Judith Myers-Walls, PhD, associate professor of child development and family studies
at Purdue.
Because little babies have limited language comprehension, memory, and attention
spans, the best strategies to employ early on are more about damage control than
about teaching an actual lesson. Distracting (helping him move from a not-so-good
activity to something better) and ignoring (just what the name implies) are two
very effective strategies. If, for example, your 4-month-old discovers how much
fun it is to yank your hair, you might gently remove her hand, give it a kiss, and
redirect it toward something fun and appropriate, such as a rattle or other toy.
Of course, you never want to ignore a behavior that's potentially dangerous, but
looking the other way when your 7-month-old cheerfully pelts his 59th Cheerio from
his high chair is a smart move. It's essential to remember that very young children
are utterly guileless; your Cheerio pitcher isn't trying to annoy you. He's learning
how to control his hands and beginning to understand the concept of cause and effect.
As annoying as this behavior is, it's important not to get upset or overreact.
In fact, a recent study found that 39 percent of parents think that their baby is
taunting them when he continually changes channels on the remote. Many parents become
frustrated when a child engages in such behaviors, says Nancy Samalin, author of
Loving Without Spoiling (McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Books, 2003). Your best bet is
to maintain a calm demeanor and carry on with what you were doing.
8 to 12 Months
When your baby starts to crawl, around the 8-month mark, it's time to think about
setting limits. Suddenly everything -- from the knickknacks on your side table to
those rolls of toilet paper under the bathroom sink -- are big no-nos.
A child this age only wants to explore (he has no concept of what he should or shouldn't
do), so if you don't want him to touch something, place it out of his reach through
childproofing and let child-friendly items take center stage. Experts say this is
the best way to help your child stay out of trouble and makes it a lot easier to
follow the rules.
Of course, many of us merely say no when we catch our little ones getting into mischief.
Unfortunately, it's not a reliable discipline method for kids this age. Your child
can comprehend by the tone of your voice that "no" means something different from
"I love you," but she doesn't understand the real meaning of the word. Furthermore,
she doesn't have the self-control to heed your request.
Use other techniques to reinforce the lesson that some things are off-limits, as
Cristina Soto of New York City does. "Starting at around 8 or 9 months, every time
my daughter Sonia got near an outlet, I'd say 'Aah aaah!' in a playfully scary voice
so she'd stop and look at me," says Soto. "I kept doing it. After a while she'd
cruise over to an outlet, point, and say, 'Aah aaah!' to me."
12 to 24 Months
Around this age, your child's communication skills are blossoming, so you can start
explaining basic rules -- don't pull kitty's tail -- for example. You can also begin
using the word no judiciously, in serious situations. Too many could wear out the
word and eventually render it completely useless.
Your child's physical skills are coming into full play, too. Your new little walker
will likely be thrilled with his freshly minted independence -- and frustrated that
he can't do all the things he'd like.
Enter the age of tantrums. While tantrums require a quick response from you, these
emotional thunderstorms are a part of growing up and not a cue for harsher discipline
techniques, such as taking away a privilege or sending a child to his room.
When tantrums strike, "you need to know your own child," says Claire Lerner, a child
development specialist at Zero to Three. Some kids calm down quickly through distraction;
others need a hug. But if a tantrum is lengthy, remove your child from the situation
and gently explain what's going on ("We can't stay in the store if you continue
screaming") until he calms down.
Frustration that stems from your toddler's inability to communicate effectively
can lead to hitting or biting, too. Disciplining such scenarios involves telling
your child what not to do quickly and simply and redirecting him toward an appropriate
activity. For example, if your child hits you because you've interrupted his play
for a diaper change, say, "We don't hit, it hurts," and give him a toy he can play
with while you diaper him.
24 to 36 Months
The two-year mark ushers in twos' programs, preschool, and play dates, which are
great for your child's socialization skills but also present a new set of discipline
problems. Sharing -- toys, time, and attention -- is difficult at this age. What
complicates matters further is that folks (and kids!) outside your family may end
up in the path of a toy-snatching toddler who happens to belong to you.
Toddlers understand easy commands, empathy, and cause and effect, so you can now
employ these concepts when you discipline. If your child grabs a crayon from his
friend, for example, you can say, "We don't grab toys. Taking Billy's crayon hurts
his feelings," and then give him a similar crayon to play with.
A key to disciplining toddlers and preschoolers is to keep things very simple. According
to a study conducted by Susan G. O'Leary, PhD, professor of psychology at The State
University of New York at Stony Brook, those moms with long reprimands were less
effective than those with short and direct ones.
Susan Simmons of South Riding, Virginia, the mother of 2-1/2-year-old Mia, agrees.
"When Mia hit 2, I started giving her long explanations as to why she couldn't do
something, but I realized she didn't understand. Now when she wants to have an ice
pop before dinner, I just say 'You can't have one now,' and leave it at that."
Using Time-Outs
Kids between the ages of 24 to 36 months are also ready for you to try using time-outs.
Time-out works like this: When your child misbehaves, for every year of his age,
he gets one minute to sit quietly in a chair or in his room to calm himself down
(for example, a 3-year-old gets three minutes). He gets up when you say time-out
is over.
Of course, every child is different, and no one discipline method will work all
the time. But the more practice you get doling it out and the more your child understands
boundaries, the happier everyone will be.
Kathryn Perrotti Leavitt, a mother of one, is a freelance writer based in Boulder,
Colorado. Originally published in American Baby magazine, November 2004. This article
is kindly provided by:
