Perhaps one of the biggest challenges faced by all parents is bringing up their
children. This is more so today as most parents work and need to balance work with
the demands of bringing up their children.
"Why doesn't my 2-year-old child behave like my neighbour's child who is so obedient?"
The answer is that every child is unique and different.
When children misbehave we need to understand the intent and cause of their misbehaviour.
A child's inappropriate behaviour should be viewed in the context of the relationship
between the child and the recipient of the behaviour. A behaviour is not a problem
if there is no observer / recipient. A child who screams his head off is not seen
as having a behavioural problem until somebody has to deal with the behaviour or
the consequences.
When we talk about behaviour, we are dealing with the observable rather than the
unobservable. Behaviour is relative and subjective to each individual receipt. Hence,
each recipient's reaction to a particular behaviour would vary. For instance, a
child who refuses to pick up his toys may be considered mildly misbehaving by one
parent but exhibiting unbearable behaviour to another.
Infants and toddlers often cannot appreciate the long term implications of their
behaviour. They often react to the here and now. Delaying of gratification is often
very difficult for them. When children want something, they want it now or they
may scream, bite, kick or nag.
Three main inter-related factors often help shape children's behaviour. These are
their genetic make-up, the family environment and the broader culture in which the
family lives.
Temperament
First, we look at heredity or a child's temperament. Temperament or a child's genetic
make-up, explains why a person behaves in certain ways in response to stimuli. Emotionality,
activity level and sociability appear to be related to the development of undesirable
behaviour.
Emotionality refers to an infant's arousal in response to events in his environment.
The sight of a stranger or being spoken to by a stranger may upset one child but
may not affect another.
Activity level refers to the energy the child displays in vigorous movement and
activity. An active child will find it more difficult to accept the physical boundaries
set by parents and caregivers than an infant with low activity level.
Sociability refers to an infant's inclination for interaction with people. A very
sociable child who craves attention all the time will more likely demand social
contact that an infant who only demands for attention when he is hungry or wet.
Family Environment
The family environment is perhaps the most important factor contributing to the
likelihood of inappropriate behaviour. Parents' work schedules, parents' marital
problems, and parenting styles may affect the degree, frequency and intensity of
inappropriate behaviour. Working parents with young children may find that their
children are more likely to have behavioural problems resulting from factors such
as poor bonding between parents and children, inattention from fatigued parents
and the conflict between children wanting attention and the parents' lack of time.
Learning And Experience
The third factor is the role of learning and experience. A child learns to interact
from the people and the environment around him. The interaction between the main
caregivers and the infant in the first few months of life often determines how he
would react and interact with others around him in the following years.
For example, if nagging, crying or screaming will likely result in a sweet, chances
are that his inappropriate behaviour will persist, evolving into different forms
as the child grows.
When children misbehave, it is likely that there is an agenda for their inappropriate
behaviour. There are four main objectives in misbehaviour.
They are:
- Attention seeking - sometimes children misbehave in order to attract attention
- Revenge - children may seek revenge by being spiteful or doing harmful things
- Power seeking - children will often challenge their parents to satisfy their desire
for power and control
- Helplessness - children who think of themselves as incompetent or unable to perform
tasks often react with inappropriate behaviour. When children are overprotected,
they easily become discouraged and helpless.
Learning to recognise the purpose of the inappropriate behaviour will help you know
why children misbehave and hence manage them accordingly. Your feelings, reaction
and the consequences of the behaviour are some of the ways you can recognise the
nature of the misbehaviour.
1. Recognise the misbehaviour by how you feel about it
- Attention seeking makes you feel annoyed
- Power seeking makes you feel angry
- Revenge makes you feel hurt
- Helplessness makes you feel despondent
2. Observe how you react to the misbehaviour
- Attention seeking makes you remind, coax, nag and explain
- Power seeking makes you fight or give in
- Revenge makes you retaliate to get even
- Helplessness makes you solve the problem yourself
3. Observe the consequences for the child who displays the misbehaviour
- Attention seeking causes people to look at and speak to the child
- Power seeking causes people to stand over and supervise the child
- Revenge causes people to punish the child
- Helplessness causes people to look after and protect the child
In the following scenarios, ask yourself how you feel as the parent, how you feel
about the parent's reaction and what the purpose of the child's inappropriate behaviour
was.
Dialogue 1
Mother :
Wasn't that a lovely bath, Paul? Now you are clean and dry. There you are, mommy will put you on your bed for a while. (Toddler John comes along and punches Paul.)
Mother : No, John! You mustn't hit your baby brother like that. You're a naughty
boy.
This scenario illustrates revenge.
Dialogue 2
Jason : mommy , I can't find my power ranger.
Mother : It is in your toy box where you always keep it.
Jason : I've looked in there. It wasn't there.
Mother : Go and look again. It was there this morning.
Jason : (Walking from the toy box) I still can't find it, mommy .
Mother For goodness sake (goes to the box). Here it is, just where I've said it'll
be. Why is it that no one can find anything around here except me? You're absolutely
hopeless.
This scenario illustrates helplessness.
Dialogue 3
Mother : Come on, John. It's time to put away your toys now. (Pause), John, put
your toys away please. (Pause). John, mommy will smack you if you don't put away
your toys. Come on, I'll help. There, I've put the truck in the box. In it goes
…….
This scenario illustrates power seeking.
Dialogue 4
Mother : I'll just ring Aunt Mary and arrange to go shopping with her (dials the
phone). Hello? Oh Mary, its Jane here, How about going for a shopping trip this
week? (Son starts to cry and bang his toys.) Hold on a minute, Mary (puts aside
the phone). Stop it, Sam! That's being naughty. mommy 's on the phone (puts down
the phone). Here's your power ranger. (Returns to phone). I'm sorry, Mary. Sam always
does that when I'm on the phone. (Noise starts again). Oh dear, he broke his toy.
Mary, can I ring you back when he's asleep? Bye.
This scenario illustrates attention seeking.
It is important to note that behaviour which we find troublesome may not always
be a misbehaviour on the child's part. Young children are less likely to be on their
best behaviour when they are hungry, frightened, tired, sick or have other unmet
physical needs. Most young children are by nature curious, egocentric, with short
attention span and seek immediate gratification.
It is always important, when considering misbehaviour, to understand the factors
involved that resulted in the misbehaviour.
Knowing why your child exhibits inappropriate behaviour and what his objectives
are will help you make better decisions about what to do when you encounter these
behaviours.
This article is provided by KK Hospital - Singapore’s leading Women and Children’s
Hospital. Please visit www.kkh.com.sg for more information. References:
- Birch, K (1991). Positive Parenting. From Toddlers to Teenagers. A resource book
for New Zealand families. Octopus Publishing Group (NZ) Ltd.
- Seymour, F (1992). Good behaviour: A guide for parents of young children. GP Publications
LTd. NZ.
- Sander, M.R. (1992). Every Parent. A positive approach to children's behaviour.
Addision-Wesley Publishing Company, Sydney.
